Are you being aggressive or submissive?

Are you being aggressive or submissive?

There are certain situations at work which many of us handle badly. How to criticise and be criticised, how to respond to bad news, how to ask for help and refuse requests when we have to, how to solve problems and negotiate with one another, how to deal with personal attacks or manipulation, even how to give and receive praise - faced with all of these our natural reaction is often either aggressive or submissive.

What we should do in these situations is to assert ourselves  -be honest with one another, be clear about our bottom line and stick to it, and above all, communicate as equals. That is easier said than done. Assertive behaviour doesn’t come naturally. It requires thought, confidence and even on occasions a certain amount of courage.

Fortunately we can learn how to behave assertively. We can identify the traps that people often fall into when communicating with one another and learn how to use assertiveness to avoid them.

Of course, behaving assertively won’t guarantee that we always get what we want. But it gives us a better chance of doing so, and at the same time, maintaining good relationships with our colleagues. What’s more, even when we don’t succeed, there is satisfaction in knowing that we have given the situation our best shot.

Let’s have a quick look at the disadvantages of taking on a submissive or aggressive approach

Submissive:

Disadvantages

• Your views are ignored
• You are not taken seriously
•  Your contribution isn’t noticed
•  Your self esteem suffers
• You lose confidence
• Your resentment builds
•  You feel undervalued

Aggressive:

Disadvantages

•           Puts peoples backs up
•           Wrecks motivation
•           People plot revenge
•          They gang up on you
•           They stop co-operating
•           They withhold information
•           They resign

Benefits of positive assertive behaviour:

•          Assertiveness builds good relationships
•           It builds confidence
•           Both parties views are heard
•           ‘Win-win’ solutions are more likely
•           The focus is on issues, not personalities
•           Though there is no guarantee that behaving assertively will get you what you want, even if you don’t succeed, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you tried.

Submissive and aggressive behaviours are ‘one-way’. People behaving submissively don’t stick up for their own rights, opinions or positions. People behaving aggressively don’t care what others think or feel or what their problems are.

But assertive behaviour is ‘two-way’. People behaving assertively make their own views plain but, even when they disagree profoundly, they listen, ask questions and take into account other’s rights, opinions and positions.

The first principle of assertiveness is to be honest. That may seem obvious, particularly as no-one wants to have the reputation of being dishonest. But a common sign that people are behaving submissively is when they say “I agree” when they don’t, “that’s a good idea” when it isn’t or “That went well” when it didn’t.

Assertiveness is also an important part of giving criticism. When we criticise someone what we say has to be relevant. Of course that means sticking to the issues and not personalities. But it also means that issues have to be relevant.

Assertiveness is not only the correct way to give criticism. It is also the correct way to react to criticism.

Next time a situation arises which approach will you take? Submissive, aggressive or assertive...